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BACHELORS  AND  A BACHELOR’S 
CONFESSIONS  BY  WASHINGTON 
IRVING  ¥ ¥ PICTURES  BY 

CECIL  ALDIN  ¥ PUBLISHED 
BY  E.  P.  DUTTON  AND  CO. 
NEW  YORK  % * v MCMIX 


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213 

Xr'Sir 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2016 


https://archive.org/details/bachelorsandbachOOirvi 


“ The  Bachelor  most  joyfully 

In  'pleasant  plight  doth  pass  his  daies , 
Good-fellowship  and  companie 

He  doth  maintain  and  keep  alwaiesP 

Evans’s  Old  Ballads. 


There  is  no  character  in  the  comedy  of 
human  life  that  is  more  difficult  to  play 
well  than  that  of  an  old  Bachelor.  When  a 
single  gentleman,  therefore,  arrives  at  that 
critical  period  when  he  begins  to  consider  it 
an  impertinent  question  to  be  asked  his  age, 
I would  advise  him  to  look  well  to  his  ways. 
This  period,  it  is  true,  is  much  later  with  some 

5 


BACHELORS 


men  than  with  others  ; I have  witnessed  more 
than  once  the  meeting  of  two  wrinkled  old 
lads  of  this  kind,  who  had  not  seen  each  other 
for  several  years,  and  have  been  amused  by  the 
amicable  exchange  of  compliments  on  each 
other’s  appearance  that  takes  place  on  such 
occasions.  There  is  always  one  invariable 
observation,  “ Why,  bless  my  soul  ! you  look 
younger  than  when  I last  saw  you  ! ” When- 
ever a man’s  friends  begin  to  compliment  him 
about  looking  young,  he  may  be  sure  that  they 
think  he  is  growing  old. 

I am  led  to  make  these  remarks  by  the 
conduct  of  Master  Simon  and  the  general, 
who  have  become  great  cronies.  As  the  former 
is  the  youngest  by  many  years,  he  is  regarded 
as  quite  a youthful  gallant  by  the  general,  who 
moreover  looks  upon  him  as  a man  of  great  wit 
and  prodigious  acquirements.  Master  Simon 
is  a family  beau,  and  considered  rather  a young 
fellow  by  all  the  elderly  ladies  of  the  connection, 
for  an  old  bachelor,  in  an  old  family  connection, 
6 


BACHELORS 


is  something  like  an  actor  in  a regular  dramatic 
corps,  who  seems  “ to  flourish  in  immortal 
youth,”  and  will  continue  to  play  the  Romeos 
and  Rangers  for  half  a 
century  together. 

Master  Simon,  too,  is  a 
little  of  the  chameleon,  and 
takes  a different  hue  with 
every  different  companion  : 
he  is  very  attentive  and 
officious,  and  somewhat  sen- 
timental, with  Lady  Lilly- 
craft ; copies  out  little 
namby-pamby  ditties  and 
love-songs  for  her,  and  draws  quivers 
and  doves  and  darts  and  Cupids  to  be  worked 
in  the  corners  of  her  pocket  handkerchiefs. 
He  indulges,  however,  in  very  considerable 
latitude  with  the  other  married  ladies  of 
the  family,  and  has  many  sly  pleasantries  to 
whisper  to  them,  that  provoke  an  equivocal 
laugh  and  tap  of  the  fan.  But  when  he  gets 

7 


BACHELORS 


among  young  company,  he  is  apt  to  put  on 
the  mad  wag,  and  to  talk  in  a very  bachelor- 
like strain  about  the  sex. 

In  this  he  has  been  encouraged  by  the 
example  of  the  general,  whom  he  looks  up  to 
as  a man  who  has  seen  the  world.  The  general, 
in  fact,  tells  shocking  stories  after  dinner, 
when  the  ladies  have  retired,  which  he  gives 
as  some  of  the  choice  things  that  are  served 
up  at  the  Mullagatawny  Club,  a knot  of  boon 
companions  in  London. 

I saw  him  and  Master  Simon,  an  evening 
or  two  since,  conversing  with  a buxom  milk- 
maid in  a meadow  ; and  from  their  elbowing 
each  other  now  and  then,  and  the  general’s 
shaking  his  shoulders,  blowing  up  his  cheeks, 
and  breaking  out  into  a short  fit  of  irrepressible 
laughter,  I had  no  doubt  they  were  playing 
the  mischief  with  the  girl. 

As  I looked  at  them  through  a hedge,  I could 
not  but  think  they  would  have  made  a tolerable 
group  for  a modern  picture  of  Susannah  and 
8 


BACHELORS 


the  two  elders.  It  is  true,  the  girl  seemed  in 
no  wise  alarmed  at  the  force  of  the  enemy  ; 
and  I question,  had  either  of  them  been  alone, 


whether  she  would  not  have  been  more  than 
they  would  have  ventured  to  encounter. 
Such  veteran  roisters  are  daring  wags  when 
together,  and  will  put  any  female  to  the  blush 
with  their  jokes  ; but  they  are  as  quiet  as  lambs 

b 9 


BACHELORS 


when  they  fall  singly  into  the  clutches  of  a 
fine  woman. 

In  spite  of  the  general’s  years,  he  evidently 
is  a little  vain  of  his  person,  and  ambitious  of 
conquests.  I have  observed  him  on  Sunday 
in  church  eyeing  the  country  girls  most  sus- 
piciously, and  have  seen  him  leer  upon  them 
with  a downright  amorous  look  even  when 
he  has  been  gallanting  Lady  Lillycraft  with 
great  ceremony  through  the  churchyard.  The 
general,  in  fact,  is  a veteran  in  the  service  of 
Cupid  rather  than  of  Mars,  having  signalised 
himself  in  all  the  garrison  towns  and  country 
quarters,  and  seen  service  in  every  ballroom 
of  England.  Not  a celebrated  beauty  but 
he  has  laid  siege  to  ; and  if  his  word  may 
be  taken  in  a matter  wherein  no  man  is  apt 
to  be  over-veracious,  it  is  incredible  what 
success  he  has  had  with  the  fair.  At  present 
he  is  like  a worn-out  warrior,  retired  from 
service,  but  who  still  cocks  his  beaver  with 
a military  air,  and  talks  stoutly  of  fighting 
io 


BACHELORS 


whenever  he  comes  within  the  smell  of  gun- 
powder. 

I have  heard  him  speak  his  mind  very  freely 


over  his  bottle  about  the  folly  of  the  captain 
in  taking  a wife,  as  he  thinks  a young  soldier 
should  care  for  nothing  but  his  “ bottle  and 
kind  landlady.”  But,  in  fact,  he  says  the 
service  on  the  Continent  has  had  a sad  effect 
upon  the  young  men  : they  have  been  ruined 
by  light  wines  and  French  quadrilles.  “ They’ve 
nothing,”  he  says,  “ of  the  spirit  of  the  old 
service.  There  are  none  of  your  six-bottle 
men  left,  that  were  the  souls  of  a mess  dinner.” 

ii 


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BACHELORS 


As  to  a bachelor,  the  general  affirms  that  he 
is  a free  and  easy  man,  with  no  baggage  to 
take  care  of  but  his  portmanteau  ; but,  as 
Major  Pendergast  says,  a married  man,  with 
his  wife  hanging  on  his  arm,  always  puts  him 
in  mind  of  a chamber  candlestick  with  its 
extinguisher  hitched  to  it.  I should  not  mind 
all  this  if  it  were  merely  confined  to  the  general ; 
but  I fear  he  will  be  the  ruin  of  my  friend 
Master  Simon,  who  already  begins  to  echo 
his  heresies,  and  to  talk  in  the  style  of  a gentle- 
man that  has  seen  life  and  lived  upon  the  town. 
Indeed,  the  general  seems  to  have  taken  Master 
Simon  in  hand,  and  talks  of  showing  him  the 
lions  when  he  comes  to  town,  and  of  intro- 
ducing him  to  a knot  of  choice  spirits  at  the 
Mullagatawny  Club  ; which,  I understand, 
is  composed  of  old  nabobs,  officers  in  the 
Company’s  employ,  and  other  “ men  of  Ind,” 
that  have  seen  service  in  the  East,  and  returned 
home  burnt  out  with  curry  and  touched  with 
the  liver  complaint.  They  have  their  regular 
12 


BACHELORS 


club,  where  they  eat  mullagatawny  soup, 
smoke  the  hookah,  talk  about  Tippoo  Saib, 
Seringapatam  and  tiger-hunting,  and  are 
tediously  agreeable  in  each  other’s  company. 


13 


A BACHELOR’S  CONFESSIONS 


“ I’ll  live  a -private,  pensive,  single  life.” 

The  Collier  of  Croydon. 

I was  sitting  in  my  room,  a morning  or  two 
since,  reading,  when  some  one  tapped  at  the 
door,  and  Master  Simon  entered.  He  had  an 
usually  fresh  appearance  ; he  had  put  on  a 
bright  green  riding-coat,  with  a bunch  of 
violets  in  the  button-hole,  and  had  the  air 
of  an  old  bachelor  trying  to  rejuvenate  himself. 
He  had  not,  however,  his  usual  briskness  and 
vivacity,  but  loitered  about  the  room  with 
somewhat  of  absence  of  manner,  humming  the 
old  song — “ Go,  lovely  rose,  tell  her  that 
wastes  her  time  and  me  ” ; and  then,  leaning 
against  the  window,  and  looking  upon  the 

c 17 


A BACHELOR’S  CONFESSIONS 


landscape,  he  uttered  a very  audible  sigh. 
As  I had  not  been  accustomed  to  see  Master 
Simon  in  a pensive  mood,  I thought  there 
might  be  some  vexation  preying  on  his  mind, 
and  I' /endeavoured  to  introduce  a cheerful 
strain  of  conversation  ; but  he  was  not  in  the 
vein  to  follow  it  up,  and  proposed  that  we 
should  take  a walk. 

It  was  a beautiful  morning,  of  that  soft 
vernal  temperature  that  seems  to  thaw  all 
the  frost  out  of  one’s  blood,  and  to  set  all 
nature  in  a ferment.  The  very  fishes  felt  its 
influence  : the  cautious  trout  ventured  out  of 
his  dark  hole  to  seek  his  mate,  the  roach  and 
the  dace  rose  up  to  the  surface  of  the  brook 
to  bask  in  the  sunshine,  and  the  amorous  frog 
piped  from  among  the  rushes.  If  ever  an 
oyster  can  really  fall  in  love,  as  has  been  said 
or  sung,  it  must  be  on  such  a morning. 

The  weather  certainly  had  its  effect,  even 
upon  Master  Simon,  for  he  seemed  obstinately 
bent  upon  the  pensive  mood.  Instead  of 
18 


f'\hs 


A BACHELOR’S  CONFESSIONS 


stepping  briskly  along,  smacking  his  dog-whip, 
whistling  quaint  ditties,  or  telling  sporting 
anecdotes,  he  leaned  on  my  arm,  and  talked 
about  the  approaching  nuptials  ; from  whence 
he  made  several  digressions  upon  the  character 
of  womankind,  touched  a little  upon  the 
tender  passion,  and  made  sundry  very  excellent 
though  rather  trite  observations  upon  dis- 
appointments in  love.  It  was  evident  that 
he  had  something  on  his  mind  which  he  wished 
to  impart,  but  felt  awkward  in  approaching 
it.  I was  curious  to  see  to  what  this  strain 
would  lead,  but  I was  determined  not  to 
assist  him.  Indeed,  I mischievously  pretended 
to  turn  the  conversation,  and  talked  of  his 
usual  topics — dogs,  horses,  and  hunting  ; but 
he  was  very  brief  in  his  replies,  and  invariably 
got  back,  by  hook  or  by  crook,  into  the  senti- 
mental vein. 

At  length  we  came  to  a clump  of  trees  that 
overhung  a whispering  brook,  with  a rustic 
bench  at  their  feet.  The  trees  were  grievously 

21 


A BACHELOR’S  CONFESSIONS 


scored  with  letters  and  devices,  which  had 
grown  out  of  all  shape  and  size  by  the  growth 
of  the  bark ; and  it  appeared  that  this  grove 
had  served  as  a kind  of  register  of  the  family 
loves  from  time  immemorial.  Here  Master 
Simon  made  a pause,  pulled  up  a tuft  of  flowers, 
threw  them  one  by  one  into  the  water,  and 
at  length,  turning  somewhat  abruptly  upon 
me,  asked  me  if  I had  ever  been  in  love.  I 
confess  the  question  startled  me  a little,  as 
I am  not  over-fond  of  making  confessions  of 
my  amorous  follies,  and  above  all  should  never 
dream  of  choosing  my  friend  Master  Simon 
for  a confidant.  He  did  not  wait,  however, 
for  a reply ; the  inquiry  was  merely  a prelude 
to  a confession  on  his  own  part,  and  after 
several  circumlocutions  and  whimsical  pre- 
ambles, he  fairly  disburdened  himself  of  a very 
tolerable  story  of  his  having  been  crossed 
in  love. 

The  reader  will,  very  probably,  suppose 
that  it  related  to  the  gay  widow  who  jilted 
22 


A BACHELOR’S  CONFESSIONS 


him  not  long  since  at  Doncaster  races.  No 
such  thing.  It  was  about  a sentimental  passion 
that  he  once  had  for  a most  beautiful  young 
lady,  who  wrote  poetry  and  played  on  the  harp. 
He  used  to  serenade  her ; and  indeed  he 
described  several  tender  and  gallant  scenes,  in 
which  he  was  evidently  picturing  himself  in 
his  mind’s  eye  as  some  elegant  hero  of  romance, 
though,  unfortunately  for  the  tale,  I only  saw 
him  as  he  stood  before  me,  a dapper  little  old 
bachelor,  with  a face  like  an  apple  that  has 
dried  with  the  bloom  on  it. 

What  were  the  particulars  of  this  tender 
tale  I have  already  forgotten  ; indeed  I listened 
to  it  with  a heart  like  a very  pebble  stone, 
having  hard  work  to  repress  a smile  while 
Master  Simon  was  putting  on  the  amorous 
swain,  uttering  every  now  and  then  a sigh, 
and  endeavouring  to  look  sentimental  and 
melancholy. 

All  that  I recollect  is,  that  the  lady,  according 
to  his  account,  was  certainly  a little  touched  ; 

d 25 


A BACHELOR’S  CONFESSIONS 


for  she  used  to  accept  all  the  music  that  he 
copied  for  her  harp,  and  all  the  patterns  that 
he  drew  for  her  dresses  : and  he  began  to 
flatter  himself,  after  a long  course  of  delicate 
attentions,  that  he  was  gradually  fanning  up 
a gentle  flame  in  her  heart,  when  she  suddenly- 
accepted  the  hand  of  a rich,  boisterous,  fox- 
hunting baronet,  without  either  music  or 
sentiment,  who  carried  her  by  storm  after  a 
fortnight’s  courtship. 

Master  Simon  could  not  help  concluding 
by  some  observation  about  “ modest  merit,” 
and  the  power  of  gold  over  the  sex.  As  a 
remembrance  of  his  passion,  he  pointed  out  a 
heart  carved  on  the  bark  of  one  of  the  trees, 
but  which,  in  the  process  of  time,  had  grown 
out  into  a large  excrescence  ; and  he  showed 
me  a lock  of  her  hair,  which  he  wore  in  a true 
lover’s  knot  in  a large  gold  brooch. 

I have  seldom  met  with  an  old  bachelor 
that  had  not,  at  some  time  or  other,  his  non- 
sensical moment,  when  he  would  become  tender 
26 


A BACHELOR’S  CONFESSIONS 


and  sentimental,  talk  about  the  concerns  of 
the  heart,  and  have  some  confession  of  a 
delicate  nature  to  make.  Almost  every  man 


has  some  little  trait  of  romance  in  his  life, 
which  he  looks  back  to  with  fondness,  and 
about  which  he  is  apt  to  grow  garrulous 
occasionally.  He  recollects  himself  as  he  was 
at  the  time,  young  and  gamesome,  and  forgets 
that  his  hearers  have  no  other  idea  of  the  hero 
of  the  tale  but  such  as  he  may  appear  at  the 

29 


A BACHELOR’S  CONFESSIONS 


time  of  telling  it — peradventure  a withered, 
whimsical,  spindle-shanked  old  gentleman. 
With  married  men,  it  is  true,  this  is  not  so 
frequently  the  case ; their  amorous  romance 
is  apt  to  decline  after  marriage — why,  I cannot 
for  the  life  of  me  imagine — but  with  a bachelor, 
though  it  may  slumber,  it  never  dies.  It  is 
always  liable  to  break  out  again  in  transient 
flashes,  and  never  so  much  as  on  a spring 
morning  in  the  country  ; or  on  a winter  evening 
when  seated  in  his  solitary  chamber,  stirring 
up  the  fire  and  talking  of  matrimony. 

The  moment  that  Master  Simon  had  gone 
through  his  confession,  and,  to  use  the  common 
phrase,  “ had  made  a clean  breast  of  it,”  he 
became  quite  himself  again.  He  had  settled 
the  point  which  had  been  worrying  his  mind, 
and  doubtless  considered  himself  established 
as  a man  of  sentiment  in  my  opinion.  Before 
we  had  finished  our  morning’s  stroll,  he  was 
singing  as  blithe  as  a grasshopper,  whistling 
to  his  dogs,  and  telling  droll  stories ; and  I 
3o 


A BACHELOR’S  CONFESSIONS 

recollect  that  he  was  particularly  facetious 
that  day  at  dinner  on  the  subject  of  matrimony, 
and  uttered  several  excellent  jokes,  not  to  be 
found  in  Joe  Miller,  that  made  the  bride- 
elect  blush  and  look  down,  but  set  all  the  old 
gentlemen  at  the  table  in  a roar,  and  absolutely 
brought  tears  into  the  general’s  eyes. 


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